Where are these women for whom the clothes designers make jeans? I want to see these size 8 women with either no waist, or no hips, or no thighs, and long crotches. Jeans which fit comfortably around my hips and butt leave a gap in the waistband large enough to catch a grapefruit. And the crotches sag, bunch, and gather as if I needed to fit a penis down there. Of course you know what happens if the waist fits—the thread in the outer seams requires superman-like powers to hold in the flesh. And still the crotches. What is it with these long crotches??

I used to pity women who said, “God, I hate shopping for jeans.” I never used to have problems. I’ve gone up a size or two since the days when my only decision was which color to add to my wardrobe instead of which body part I wanted to sacrifice. But proportionately, I’ve stayed about the same.

I blame Spandex (an anagram of the word ‘expands’). That darn polyether-polyurea copolymer necessary in running tights has ruined jeans. Don’t get me wrong—I love being able to sit down in a tight pair of jeans. And being able to say yes to that fifth slice of pizza. And choosing from the size 8 section instead of what would have been size 10 pre-Spandex. But since companies have started weaving this diplomatic fiber into our faded friends, nothing fits. And don’t get me started on the longevity of the Spandex/denim combo. (Anyone else get those unflattering little puckers in jeans after about a year of wear?)

If I thought eating a dozen chocolate chip cookies a day would fill out my waist to fit my jeans, I might do it. But I know those cookies would skip my waist and go straight to the thighs, leaving me in the same predicament just a different size. So I guess my only option is a tourniquet—I mean belt—or the long sweater/blouse/tee to shield the waistband gap from those pesky dropping grapefruit.